


Insomnia

by Occula



Category: U2
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 05:09:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12269544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Occula/pseuds/Occula
Summary: Larry stays up late.





	Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ on Sept. 30, 2003.

So many nights I’ve lain like this, awake and alone. I’ve no way of knowing where you are or – specifically – what you’ve done. I can only hope that you’re safe.

I hate this helplessness. I hate uncertainty more than anything. Yet I can’t be angry with you, precisely. For you I have this complicated, perplexing stew of love. Worry. Frustration. Pity. Mercy. Sorrow.

I do have anger. It’s just that you’re not the object of it. God is, for making something so beautiful, so splendid, with so much potential, yet so fundamentally flawed. Your parents, for fucking you up somehow. What must they have done to you, that for you, loving and accepting love have to be so fraught with … whatever this is? The world, for not being appropriate for one such as you to find a place in it. Most of all, of course, myself, for being able to love you but not help you, understand you but not repair you, for seeming to say or do the wrong thing so often. I can’t seem to avoid pushing those buttons – the ones I can’t seem to keep my hands off even though I know they’re there.

Even at your most irrational, you’re brilliant. You know so well that hurting yourself is a wonderful way to hurt me, and hurting me is a wonderful way to hurt yourself.

I pray you don’t take that too literally one day. I doubt it, but. Emotional anguish is something I can handle, awful as it is. If you ever physically harmed yourself … I don’t know what I’d do. That’s my worst nightmare.

Literally.

Hence my wakefulness on these lonely nights.


End file.
